Hating on Others is Bad for Your Spiritual Balance

Whoooa. The office has been in a ruckus since Kanye West’s incident. Of course I have no idea who this Kanye West character is (or the extent of what he did), but he seemed to have caused quite a stir.

When Cleo and Farrah found out I was so behind on the news - aka celebrity gossip - they instantly strapped me to my desk and forced me to take in all the negativity of the top Hollywood sites: dlisted,tmz, etc. It turned my stomach.

WHO ARE THESE REPORTERS!? How can they sleep at night? I can feel their unbalanced aura THROUGH their pages and words. Don’t they understand that ‘hating on others’ (as Cleo would say) is soooooo bad for your spiritual balance? Don’t even get me started on the sad souls that have committed the spiritual suicide to inspire such words from these people.

I say this rarely but I need a glass of wine to chill out after this traumatizing experience.

Skinny Bitch and Decomposing Animal Flesh

Sooooooo, I just finished Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin (of course a recommendation of Farrah’s). Ooooohhhhhh my. I felt much of what the book had to offer about various food production methods were enlightening. However, I do not know how someone can become such a submissive follower of the ’skinny’ lifestyle. Obviously, many of them are not as spiritually advanced and secure as myself.

Personally, I will stick to my established daily regimen of yoga, green tea, organic products and the occasional meal of decomposing animal flesh. It is healthy yet not obsessive. Meanwhile, Farrah has been attempting to become a vegan (attempting being the key word, she walked into the office this morning with a python clutch and sipping on a nonfat latte). Hopefully someday she will realize that she is her own spirit and can exist without the need to follow those around her.

Regardless of our dietary decisions, it is ever-important to maintain mental and physical health. I have recently purchased the Erbaviva Awaken Room and Body Spray to give me a instant revitalization when I feel sluggish while working late. Though this is not necessarily as appropriate a solution for my “toxic” lifestyle as meditation would be, it is still a sufficient pick me up when I’m short on time.

Give Me Strength Yogi Master

Maaaaaaaaan. What an amazing weekend getaway Ari set up for all of us. His island was absolutely perfect. But of course, time, like green tea leaves through a strainer, must move forward and I am now back to real life trying to contend with the overwhelming Feng Shui issues laid before me. Mainly, the Viva Swag office.

Yes... give me strength yogi master... the office is still a wreck. Soon after reaching an organizational truce with Takahatchi, I was met with the challenge of Kip. Not only did he return from Ireland bringing his souvenirs with him but he also had giant bag full of other... stuff from past trips. He then proceeded to dump it all over our computer workspace. It looked like a flea market exploded. So I channeled my soft calming voice, and began organizing while Cleopatra yelled at him for not bringing her back a decent gift from leprechaun land. While going through the... stuff, I was surprised to find that he did have one intriguing piece: a Jasmine Rose Soapstone Jar from India.

I stared at in awe when all of a sudden I heard a sniffle from the doorway. Meadow was standing there holding a bottle of Chianti Riserva and Fredrica was right behind her shrugging her shoulders. Apparently Meadow had been at CAVE all afternoon drinking wine and now had stumbled into the office looking for Kip. Thank my yogi stars that both Fredrica and I were there to walk her home and prevent her from making a fool of herself. I gave her the Soapstone Jar to remind her of the good old days with Kip. I knew he wouldn't miss it. She smiled thankfully. And then... oh mannnnn... she did the strangest thing. She THREW it across the street breaking it into a million pieces. So uncharacteristic for our Meadow, America's Sweetheart... it must've been the wine.

A Turned Page

Ahhhhh my dear students. Here I am, at peace on my personalized getaway put together by Viva Swag’s very own Kip. I had to get away from the chaos of Los Angeles last Tuesday for MJ’s memorial service. All the traffic and commotion was throwing off my energy.

On a lighter note, after completing Farrah’s home rejuvenation I have decided to share my Feng Shui wisdom with the rest of my Swag-xpert colleagues. Since her revamp Farrah has been glowing (minus her slight flare up about her shoes) and I feel everyone should have the opportunity to feel equal joy. I’ve already started on the cluttered office, unfortunately Takahatchi refuses to move his chests of beauty supplies claiming I must first rid the space of my “tacky” Rosey Red hanging. He thinks his criticism of my natural appeal will be enough to make me break, he has yet to meet the fire within me.

Patchouli and Soy Candles

First of all I would like Farrah to know that I understand her frustration about me trying on her shoes. Secondly, I would like her to know that my feet did not smell. It's unfortunate that she is not a fan of Patchouli. Thirdly, I would like my dear Farrah to know that she must learn that shoes are of this earth, she can't take them with her to the other side so she really needs to just chillllll out and not be so attached.

Which brings me to the tragedies of last week. Both Farrah and Cleopatra have been consumed with grief, mourning the loss of our dear friends Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. They were so upset that they huddled in Cleopatra's home theater watching the Thriller video on repeat, drowning their sorrows in Chateau St. Michelle Eroica Riesling 2007.

I would like to give them some advice. Do as I have done. Contact Viva Swag's own travel guru, Kip Deshler, to help organize a journey that will center and direct your life in a more efficient manner. Try lighting a Lavender Soy Candle and looking over potential destinations and you will feel much more at peace than drinking until you pass out.

Shoes for Saige

Ohhhhh! Excuse me! Caught with a tofu cake in my mouth... one must strive to abstain from earthly pleasures, but alas, try one of Farrah's Chef's tofu cakes and the temptation is unbearable. It's my new achille's heel. Yeahhhh even we spiritual types have achille's heels'.

Heyyyyyy speaking of heels, Farrah's revamp is finally complete. By midnight last night I had made it to her walk in closet and set to arranging all two hundred and eighty-seven pairs in perfect feng shui order. Even I was impressed. What further surprised me was that in going through her shoes, I discovered these Strappy Braided Sandals. I only wear Birkenstocks... but I did to try them on just to see, you know if they looked good... I walked around in them... gliding over her Peacock Rug... I sat in her Studio Leather Chair... daintily crossing my legs... I modeled them in front of her full length mirror... But of course, they're sooooo not me.

Please don't tell Farrah though. My feet haven't been washed in a couple days and I don't believe in pedicures. Au natural, that's my motto.

Reaching the Perfect Balance

Whoooooooa. Farrah is proving to be quite a challenge. For the last week and a half I've slowly worked through her living spaces and am now in the final stages of finishing the master suite.

Her bedroom was daunting to say the least. The over abundance of furniture left little room for breathing and though beautiful they were placed in entirely the wrong positions. My Qi (pronounced Chi) slowly tangled just looking at it. Not only that, piles of cough drop wrappers (from her husband's famed diet line) and outfits from her late night adventures (with cough drops stuck to them) were scattered everywhere. But, one must do, what one must do, so I dug in and began to rearrange the twisted world that is Farrah's life.

Only eleven hours later and the space finally started to show some transformation. I took most of the furniture to the attic and kept only the most calming pieces. I then made a few subtle additions: an oversized, lightweight Organic Down Comforter and a pair of Spun Bamboo Laminate Table Lamps for the bedside tables. And whooaaaaa. The energy totally started to gel. Farrah couldn't believe the difference it made. There is still, however, much work to be done so I sent her back to the Beverly Hills Hotel with express instructions to work on her tan and center her being.

Slow and steady is the way I have to move through Farrah's. Yes, it has indeed been a challenge, but with focus, patience and the delicious tofu cakes her personal chef makes, I will prevail.